Stephanie

Time travel (starting in the middle, as always) with ADHD

My concept of time is different to yours. I don’t experience it the same way that you do. For me, the world works in terms of ‘now’ and ‘not now’. Past occurences ALL feel like yesterday if I think about them. The future beyond the next week is really hard to grasp – most of the time, even an hour away doesn’t feel particularly pressing. If I think about either past or future too much, it gets overwhelming trying to figure out which bit of them to zone in on and actually pay attention to. I don’t book holidays without someone else to go with because I can’t conceptualise feeling happy ‘later’. Saving money is the same – I have to focus on the feeling of achievement I get from meeting the saving goal now, rather than any kind of promise of reward at the end. Delayed gratification is an alien concept.

A string of chaos

Whatever I’m thinking or doing -now- is the only thing my brain sees as important – even if I was focused on something totally different 10 seconds ago. Something like the laundry that I was only half way through hanging to dry, which I only started because I’d come downstairs for the bathroom clearner, which I was only looking for because I’d decided to clean the sink after I’d gone to wash my hands, which I was only washing because I’d just pulled all the storage boxes out from under the bed and dusted all the lids, which I’d only pulled out because I needed a hammer from one of the boxes, which I was looking for to hang the 20 picture frames I’d left laid out in a pattern on the living room floor about two hours previously. The frames had been sat stacked in my dining room or moved around my house for 6 months while I repeatedly failed to focus for long enough to choose the photos I wanted to put in them. At home, it’s chaos. At work, it’s exhausting.

Stories

Stories and errant thoughts never follow a straight line because I see them as a whole. I struggle to find the point I need to “let you in” at in order for you to understand what I’m talking about. I usually have a massive thought process and then look broken for a second while I explain that there’s something I need to tell you but I have to tell you three different things first. Those three different things will absolutely become a LONG lead-in story to explain the million mental leaps that took place in the last 30 seconds to get me from the fact that you telling me about your car reminded me of a giraffe that licked a pole once….. Trust me when I say, the long stories are better than getting the giraffe story out of the blue!

The only time I’m good at straight lines is when I’m zoning in on a ridiculously complex office process that needs harassing until it makes simple sense. Oddly, for someone who reads out everything from agendas to to-do lists in the wrong order unless I really concentrate, I’m really good at process mapping. For stories though, I’m used to the confused look people get when I jump in at the middle of a thought, or jump back to something we were talking about hours ago as though the conversation never even paused because I’ve not processed the gap in time the same way they have. Or I skip back to another point in my writing, because I’ve forgotten the break in the middle where I’ve talked about something completely different… like process mapping (see what I did there?).

Following me

Close friends have learned to either catch up quick, let me explain the weird thought process so that my giraffe story at least makes some vague sense, or they bluntly tell me to fill in the gaps because I’ve totally lost them. Or, even better, they just happily get on with things and don’t even pay attention to the fact that I can’t sit still and am forever messing with something so that I -can- think more in a straight line and follow what they’re all saying. I love them for it.

Everyone pees….

Some people have always seen my “now-ness” as quite free. Other’s berate me for all the things I forget because they aren’t happening in front of me and tell me that I just need to try harder to do things the way everyone else does, because everyone loses track of the time. (I read a great comeback to the “try harder” people. Yes, everyone loses time or tells a story out of order occasionally. Everyone pees too. But if you’re going to the toilet 60 times a day, I think you probably stand out slightly from the average pee-er.)

I know that those people are all correct really, and my time-travelling is both freedom and a curse. But it’s who I am, and I’m learning to own it.

Starting in the middle with ADHD

So, at 31-and-a-half, I’ve started a diagnosis pathway to find out if I have the neuro-developmental difference known as combined ADHD. I’ve been told by numerous health professionals over the last few weeks that they’re pretty sure I’m right and I DO have it at a vaguely stratospheric level, but it’ll take up to three years for an NHS specialist to confirm it and give me access to medication that could help me think and concentrate. In the meantime, I have a life to fix, a ton of potential to unleash, a career to develop, a brain to understand – and a lot of writing to do to make sense of it all.

If you related to any of this post for how your own brain works, or you want to learn more about the different types of ADHD, at some point I’ll share too many resources that helped me with my own ‘eureka’ moment before I start delving into all the things I’m learning that are helping me to live better. But because I know that writing up those resources is a future job (!) here’s my email address if you want to give me a nudge for them: beyondpaperstars@gmail.com

I’m tired – and processing that I definitely have undiagnosed ADHD

I think most people would agree that I’m usually a pretty happy person. But I’m really, really tired today. I’m tired physically, I’m exhausted emotionally, and I am done with the extreme effort it seems to take me to do the simplest of things.

I’ve had a lot on recently, and a lot to process I guess.

The last time I was -this- tired was back in November. I was constantly screwing up at work and home in every way possible and in spite of having just started seeing a private counsellor* I turned to our generation’s digital oracle (Google, obv) and threw some magic words at it: “Why can’t I do anything right?”

I was expecting the usual – I know I’ve suffered with periods of depression, particularly after big losses. I know I had anxiety. Hell, I know I get more down in winter so of course I’d feel a bit crappy in november.

What I wasn’t expecting was the first article that came up in the results at the time. The title was “Do you have undiagnosed ADHD?”

There’s a LOT more information and action between that moment and now, (most of it is a hyperactive blur) but as usual I’m approaching things from the wrong point in the story and the short version is that, just over two months later, I am absolutely convinced that yes, I do have undiagnosed ADHD, and I’ve already begun the pathway to a proper diagnosis through the NHS.

Since that first Google I’ve been learning about ADHD – and talking about it, and writing about it – pretty much constantly, and probably driving at least some of you loopy in the process. It’s partly out of fascination – suddenly, I have this perfect, ready made roadmap of how my mind works and,more importantly, how I need to change my approaches to things so that my mind CAN work.

This roadmap also comes with the possibility that I can actually fix things – you see, for every part of ADHD that’s new to me, there’s another research paper or book or person or video or twitter channel or comic strip with a whole bunch of ways to manage the problems and make the most out of the strengths that come with it.

And I’m impatient. I wan’t to fix things *now*. So, in less than three months:

I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that my entire perception of myself and the world is highly likely to be VERY wrong, in some pretty fundamental ways.
I had to process my emotions. I went through joy at finally understanding WHY I find some things so very hard and others not, why I struggled at particular points in my life, and how many possibilities there are again now that I know how to actually tap into my best self. I also felt rage, and sadness, at how much emotional pain I’d experienced because I’d learned that so much of me was wrong.
I’ve had to face and finally acknowledge a long list of things that I find it difficult to do, and that I’ve been burning out trying to do those things the way people expect me to. And that SUCKS. I hate not being able to do things. If you tell me no, I’m instantly trying to figure out how to make it a yes.
I’ve had to single-handedly start building the equivalent of a user manual for myself so that I can actually start functioning. Because once I know I can do better, I feel totally compelled to try.
I’ve also had to accept that NHS waiting lists are long. Extremely long, and that I’m going to be on my own with this for potentially a couple of years and just have to trust myself because until I see a consultant, I won’t know for certain.
I’ve had to learn, pretty quickly, how to control my scattered mind and impulses to demonstrate to my employer that I am, in fact, able to successfully combat this with enough sheer effort of will because the moment I started to talk about it, some people instantly wrote me off without knowing me.
And I’ve had to acknowledge that my biggest impulses are around spending, and instant gratification – and immediately start learning to control those two in particular to even start to get a handle on the coins I was hemmoraging by the hour.

And honestly – I could be super chipper that I’m finally getting answers and finally demonstrably getting better in so many avenues of my life because I’m working so hard TO learn to do things in a way that lets me actuallly succeed in a world that isn’t designed for me.

But is IS hard work. And hard work is HARD and it is ALLOWED to make me feel crappy for a while. I don’t instantly need to find that perky little list of positives to verbally balance myself out and brandish the happy things on it like a pre-emptive apology for the shame of just not-being-very-good-at-this-whole-being-alive-gig today.

We ALL know I’m going to be fine. I know I’m going to pick myself back up and keep going. But for now, I’m just really tired. And it’s ok to acknowledge that.

Night x

Going Green in 2018

Way back in January I made a little half-promise to myself to try different ways to be kinder to the environment this year. I could write a big emotional blog about how I got upset watching Blue Planet 2 and admit that I invented an imaginary sea turtle called Dudley to be my own personal cheerleader of shame for every piece of plastic I touched….. but what’s most useful is knowing what worked to see if it could work for you too right? Right?

So. In 2018 I went green. I started the year knowing little about the environment beyond the fact that we’re all killing the planet, global warming is terrifying, and sea animals like Dudley couldn’t understand why we all hate them so much (why else would we shove plastic straws up their noses?!). Which meant that I had quite a bit of research to do, as I know anyone will slap the label ‘eco-friendly’ ‘organic’ ‘hand crafted’ or ‘natural’ on a product just to sell it. Everything I found I found on Google. And everything I tried had to fit with three rules:

It needed to reduce my plastic consumption, and help me send less stuff to landfill. Plastic has (rightly) become the devil in 2018, and I want to use as little of it as possible.
It needed to not be expensive, or save me a lot of money over 12 months. I am not made of money, and most people just don’t have the funds to spend hundreds going eco-friendly. I made these changes gradually over the year (about one purchase a month for the things I had to buy).
It needed to be a sustainable change. It needed to be something I could stick to, or something that would have a big enough impact to make it worth sticking to.

Finally, before I get to the list of changes, I wanted to tell you what my results were. At the end of 12 months of making these changes and trying to be more eco-friendly:

My grocery/household shopping bill has massively reduced.
My black bin (the landfill one) is only half full when it gets collected every fortnight. And 90% of that is cat litter from the fuzzball.
My recycling bins are generally full of paper, tins, and glass with about 20% being plastic. I’m going to aim to reduce that even more in 2019.
I appreciate the things I have a little bit more, and give more to charity through donations of old things and buying myself new things in charity shops sometimes.

And now here’s the list! It’s in 4 categories: General Changes, Food/Household shopping, Kitchen, and Bathroom as these were my biggest offenders. Some of it is common sense, but they were things that I wasn’t committing to proper in the past so I count them as a genuine change. I really hope you find it helpful!

General Changes

Actually doing my recycling properly. Washing out tins and jars, sorting it all out, separating all the paper from junk. This cost nothing, took barely any effort, and reduced my landfill waste by a third overnight.
Buying a metal water bottle. Cost me £15. Saved me well over £300 in buying fizzy drinks, bottled water, and general pop. If I forget it, I opt for a can or a glass rather than a plastic bottle as much as possible.
Charity shopping. Not for everything. But where I would previously have browsed the high street, I had a gander in my local charity shops instead. £50 dresses with the tags still on for £2.50. Full set of pretty glittery coasters and a candelabra for £5. Knowledge that I’m keeping things out of landfill and getting a new little-black-dress for next to nowt? Priceless.
Eating a little less meat. I’ve been doing this all year, but largely only cook with meat if I have guests now. This has had a huge impact on my spending and on my plastic reduction (gone are the little plastic meat trays), and has forced me to find new ways to get protein – handfuls of red split lentils chucked into any chilli, casserole, soup or stew are pretty good. As are chickpeas, kidney beans and butter beans. I’ve not entirely ditched the bacon, but my impact is a fraction of what it was.

Food Shopping

I don’t drive, so I do my ‘big shop’ online… here’s how I help keep the pesky plastic and crappy environmental products down….
First step, untick the ‘plastic bags’ box. Tesco have the option to pack without bags. Saves 40p every time and on average, about 10 unnecessary plastic bags too.
Next, I buy tins individually (no more plastic wrapping holding them together that always just goes straight in the bin), or choose ones in a cardboard box. They arrive in boxes that you can unpack – you do not need them to be wrapped in plastic!
Fruit and veg – I choose loose versions of everything that I can, rather than the packets. With all the money I saved from the reusable drinks bottle, I can afford an extra 20p to buy the veg without the plastic if it comes out more expensive overall. Also, when it’s handpicked, you only ask for what you need. If my recipe calls for 4 carrots, I only have to buy 4, not a 1kg bag.
I choose glass bottles over plastic where possible (hello wine!). Seriously though, bottlegreen are quite good for cordials and things and it’s easy enough to order a 24can pack of coke instead of a 2litre bottle, with the advantage that the tins don’t lose their fizz. Only exception is vimto. I love the stuff, so I’m going to try using the old plastic bottles to make ecobricks sometimes instead.
Ready meals. I used to buy a few of these – they’re easy. But they come in a plastic box and are kinda expensive for one portion of food that often leaves me hungry. Instead, I’ve been batch cooking by just making more food when I do cook, and freezing portons in my freezer. Works the same, generally cheaper.

Kitchen

Laundry capsules (plastic box filled with silicone parcels filled with brightly coloured liquid detergents) swapped for soap powder in a big cardboard box. Works just fine.
Paper kitchen roll swapped for bamboo kitchen roll. Worked great until guests kept binning it! Trying fabric cloths instead.
Clingfilm/ saran wrap. Used up the last of it then just didn’t buy more. I haven’t needed it once. Food for saving goes in Tupperware. Sandwiches get wrapped in foil (haven’t migrated to fancy beeswax wraps just yet). Food for the microwave gets a plate on top or just the Tupperware lid, loose, to stop soup explosions.
Cleaning products, washing up liquids, and detergents. So far, as these have run out, I’ve largely not replaced them aside from the following from Method or Ecover: washing up liquid, one general cleaning spray, glass spray. I have a small bottle of bleach in case of emergency, which I haven’t needed in 6 months.

Bathroom

Plastic toothbrush (every one you have EVER owned, still exists) swapped for a bamboo one. Dentist hasn’t noticed a difference. Price is cheaper. Wood biodegrades, tiny amount of plastic in the bristles is negligible.
Face wipes. These are TERRIBLE for the environment. I used them all the time. Now I have a bottle of micellar water and some reusable cotton pads. You can buy crochet or flannel ones on Etsy. I made about 30 little flannel ones so it’s easy to just chuck them in them washing machine and not run out.
Disposable razors swapped for one razor handle and disposable razor heads. Next step – finding a way to keep smooth legs that’s still eco-friendly that I can afford… (no thank you, I don’t do waxing).
Shower gel – stopped buying it. Someone always gets me some sort of bath set for my birthday or Christmas. It’s always lovely, so I just use those til they run out and then a body soap bar until the next present arrival!
Hand soap – using a bar. Used to have liquid hand soap. Have no idea why – bar is even moisturising and smells pretty.
Toilet roll. Bulk bought this stuff from Who Gives a Crap. Feels lovely. Recycled paper. Comes in a cardboard box, in individual paper wrapped rolls. Not a smidge of plastic. Company gives 50% of their profits to build toilets in places that need them. Haven’t found better yet (also available – fancy bamboo version but that was too much of a budget stretch to test at the minute).
Antiperspirant. Currently using a combination of my old favourite Mitchum for training/fitness type stuff, and a lovely glass jar of stuff from the Natural Deodorant Co that smells like orange and bergamot for everyday. Technically the natural stuff can cope with training days too but I’m a worrier. Getting there though!
Hair products – worked my way through shampoo bars and eco-friendly liquid shampoo and conditioners. Haven’t found one I like yet. Got some normal stuff for Christmas so using that while I ponder. Project for 2019 – recommendations welcome!
Hairstyling – gradually paired down my old mountain of products to just four things: a heat defence spray, a volumizing mousse that works for curls, a serum for frizz, and a can of dry shampoo for between washes/ texture. Working ok so far, and creating much less waste by not having a gazillion of everything! (and, as usual, birthday and Christmas supply the odd fun extra to play with).
Cleaning products – using the same general cleaning spray and glass cleaner that I use in the kitchen. Toilet cleaner from Ecover. Small bottle of bleach just in case but haven’t needed it thus far.

And that’s the lot so far. They are small changes, and it’s nowhere near as much as I could have done, but I’m gradually changing to something that’s a lot kinder to the planet. Dudley the sea turtle has stopped scowling in my imagination, and it’s had a big impact on reducing the waste and plastic that my house goes through. So, it’s a start. And a start is good, right? 😊

Adventures in Nerdland

Post one of “Operation: Get Exploring.” Warning – many photographs!!

I said in my last post that I wanted to make sure I have a damn good time, and things have been pretty lovely recently with friend meetups and birthdays and family time but I wanted to start getting out there a little bit more and getting myself back into my adventuring mindset.

So, last weekend I very definitely got out and went wandering around the Manchester Comicon! I met some fantastic people (cosplayers are literally the best people) who very kindly agreed to let me take their photo. Thank you to everyone who patiently posed whilst I tried to figure out how to focus the lens, and to the much more experienced and super nice photographer who gave me some tips. You are all legends 🙂

_DSC0063

For anyone featured in these pictures, please feel free to use them if you wish. Crop them, throw on a filter, anything you like. They are practice shots and I just really appreciated your time and your amazing costume work – you were so much fun to photograph. Crediting back to me would be lovely 🙂

_DSC0022

I have to admit it felt a little strange to not be in costume myself, but that’s just because I normally adore any excuse for a dress up and it was so fun to be in a costumed gang last year. You absolutely don’t need to dress up to go to a Comicon, it was about a 50/50 split in terms of who was rocking their normal clothes and who bossed their costumes.

_DSC0066

_DSC0045

However, as I was wandering alone with my camera for a chunk of the day, I did feel pretty exposed as I’d very firmly put myself in a role where I needed to approach a LOT of new people. Not daunting at all(!!) I really appreciated how lovely everyone was and how open people were to having a chat though, and once I settled into things it was great spending a bit of time getting to know some of the artists whose work was out on display – there were so many secret fine artists and painters hiding in the comic book ranks!

_DSC0073

_DSC0046

There were some amazing things on offer from all the merch stands – from big companies and small handmade outfits. Artwork, comics, homewares, props, jewellery, plenty of general merchandise, costumes, weapons, games, loot boxes and goodness knows what else and with my limited funds it was seriously hard not to just blow a bundle on half of the stuff there.

_DSC0053

_DSC0036

It was also fab to meet up with the fabulous Nat and Jordan for a catch-up, and pretty surreal to be wandering around and then have people keep stopping them for a photo. Your outfits were awesome guys, and thank you for letting me tag along with you for the rest of the day and for introducing me to your other cosplay friends – I’m hoping I paid you back handsomely in all the freebie trading cards I accepted on your behalf and I can’t wait for a board game day!

_DSC0021

My favourite of the day had to be the couple with the giant Chocobo costume, complete with internal puppetry for the head to move, and in-built bird sound effects. That was a pretty awesome piece of work and my inner theatre designer was itching to see inside to see how it worked.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Others that particularly stood out for me were all the Disney costumes as I bloody love Disney. From Peter Pan, Hook and Tink who were really fun to talk to, to the Disney princesses, and Meg who was really nice too.

_DSC0060

And this guy was also really lovely, and I could not believe the amount of work that was involved keeping all those blinking gemstones attached. It would drive me insane but the effect was amazing.

_DSC0034

_DSC0023

But honestly, the level of detail in ALL these handmade outfits was fab. Cosplayers fascinate me – so much hard work and skill involved for something that, for the majority, is purely just for the love of it.

_DSC0069

And that love of all things pop culture, anime, movies, tv, games, Disney, board games, alt-fashion, books and anything else wonderfully nerdy is pretty darn infectious. I left happy, with a full memory card of wonder, fifty gazbillion ideas for my own next costumed caper, and a mahoosive smile.

Thanks guys!

Peace out x

_DSC0071

_DSC0067

_DSC0070

Turning 30 at a fork in the road…

Me, Summer 2018

Last week, I went to my beautiful friend Lorna’s 25th birthday.

Next week, I turn 30.

And I can’t help reflecting on everything that has changed for me in the 5 years since my own 25th.

Back then I was only 6 months into a new relationship, unsure of myself, working in a call centre (with some awesome people), and I was happily coasting along without any real vision of what my future would be. I couldn’t ever see myself being able to afford to buy a house, and couldn’t really picture where my career would take me. I had a list of places I wanted to visit, but no idea how I would get there. I defined myself as creative but wasn’t actually doing anything artistic with my time, and wanted to build more for myself but didn’t know how.

Now, with a little over a week until my 30th birthday dawns, I fully expected to be feeling a little desolate. I’m still coming to terms with losing my Dad, and quite frankly who wouldn’t feel fed up with everything when a relationship of 5 1/2 years ends suddenly a couple of weeks before your big birthday?

But actually, when I think about it, I’m ok.

Over the last 5 years, I had an amazing relationship with someone I loved at the time, even if it didn’t last, and it’s left me changed for the better. I know more clearly what I want from life, who I am and what I stand for. I also know now that for my own happiness I need to value and chase my own dreams fully, purely and with abandon, rather than pinning my joy on someone else.

I also had some of my best years with my Dad and our family, making memories with them that I will treasure forever. His loss will forever define my life far more than a milestone birthday ever could. In the end, the number doesn’t matter. Everything is just before and after that day. But I have learned that I am stronger than I thought, and that his ability to love freely and fiercely is at the core of the strength I found. Even in the darkest of times, I can love. And I will continue to love both people and life, freely and fiercely, no matter what.

I embraced my artwork and had a go at setting up a little business from it. For the moment, I have things on hold whilst I sort out my personal life. But now I’ve found my creative fingertips again, I’m not letting anything stop me completely. I am drawing at least once a week still, and have a list of ideas as long as my arm for when I have a little breathing space to make a proper mess with paint and sculpting.

I changed job twice, from the call centre to a lovely HR team and now I work in a creative role at a University doing work that I love with a team who are awesome. I’d love to build on that in the next few years, but for now I’m happy learning.

I’m finally in a position to buy a house and have a mortgage, and have made tentative first steps towards trying to buy one that I like. I never thought this would be a real option for me. And now I just can’t wait to get my home base settled so I can go adventure!

My list of places to visit and what I’d do there has developed exponentially. Some I’ve been to, some I need to go back to, and some are freshly beckoning me. To help me get on the road (literally), I’ve booked in a whole bunch of driving lessons and have a car ready and waiting for me. Wish me luck!

And throughout all of the last 5 years, I have been held together by my amazing family and friends. From people who have known me since I was teeny (I know I know, I’m still teeny), to the people I have met over the last 5 years who have become part of my life… I hate the instagram hashtag but I really do feel #blessed to have such wonderful people around me. My family are incredible, and my friends have become a second family who I love dearly. We have laughed, cried, danced and adventured. We’ve grown and built things and consoled one another when things didn’t work out.

But most of all we’ve had fun.

And if I can wish for anything for my 30th birthday and beyond, with all the uncertainty that holds for me in this current moment, it’s to spend another five years having a damn good time.

Love, Stephanie x